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*THE GREAT PR WAR OF TW2013 (SUMMER EDITION)*
The Fiver sat looking blankly at its screen for a good three hours this morning, a hot salty tear every so often falling out of its beady eye and rolling down its cheek, as it contemplated how many more times this summer it will have to write 'Wayne Rooney leaving Manchester United' – or possibly 'staying at Manchester United'. Who knows? Not the Fiver, that's for sure, not any other journalists and definitely not Rooney, who is said to be "angry and confused" at his treatment by United, who are about to embark on, horror of horrors, a PR war with Chelsea. There will be many casualties, most notably nerdish qualities such as dignity, integrity and loyalty, but it's all part of the fun of Transfer Window 2013 (summer edition), in which there has so far been plenty of talk from the usual protagonists but not much walk to back up their hot air.
In time, people will speak in hushed tones of the Great PR War of TW2013 (summer edition). But for now, we know the following: a whirlwind 24 hours of conjecture, spin and poppyc0ck has made the first Ashes Test, the Lions' victory, Chris Froome's exploits in the Tour de France and Andy Murray becoming the first British player to win Wimbledon since Jonny Marray last year seem like someone telling you, in ball-crushingly minute detail, about their car's recent MOT service. We know that Rooney is angry and confused with United, we know that United aren't particularly bothered about whether he stays, we know that Chelsea want Rooney, we know that Chelsea had a bid of £10m plus Juan Mata or David Luiz rejected for Rooney yesterday, we know that Chelsea have denied offering any players and we know that we know about as much as a hapless waiter from Barcelona. And now we're all confused.
For a few minutes, tongues were wagging when it transpired that José Mourinho was willing to jettison either Mata or David Luiz, two of Chelsea's best players, in his quest to make Rooney the new Fernando Torres. It made a certain amount of sense. Stories about Mourinho not wanting Mata or David Luiz have been floating around all summer and he has twice spoken in public about his admiration for Rooney, most recently worrying in altruistic style about the England team suffering if he is to be a squad player at United. Finally some sort of resolution was in sight. Only it then turned out that United, the sneaky buggers, had made up the bit about an exchange deal and, according to a nicely stewing Chelsea, the journalists travelling with them in Sydney on their pre-season tour were fed a line. All's fair in love and PR War.
"Chelsea Football Club can confirm that, yesterday, it made a written offer to Manchester United for the transfer of Wayne Rooney," blithered a club statement. "Although the terms of that offer are confidential, for the avoidance of doubt and contrary to what is apparently being briefed to the press in Sydney, the proposed purchase does not include the transfer or loan of any players from Chelsea to Manchester United." Honestly, two minutes in the United job and David Moyes is already gadding about the place like a flame-haired Malcolm Tucker. All this spinning and briefing and whispering and finger-pointing. Like this article, it can't end well.
*QUOTE OF THE DAY*
"There was way too much pressure. It came from everyone – the club, the fans. I think that too much pressure just hurts the team"– Carlos Tevez reveals how Manchester City expected too much for their £200k-a-week.
*FIVER LETTERS*
"You can't apply German grammar to one half of a sentence and English the other. It's either Deutsche und Österreichische Bundesliga or it's German and Austrian Bundesligas (yesterday's Fiver letters). And if you could stop that man on the radio saying Paree St Germon you'd make an old QPR supporter very happy. Momentarily"– John Milne.
"I would like to point out to Christopher Higgins (and to 1,056 others) that the German for plural is Mehrzahl, rather than mehrzahl as all German nouns begin with a capital letter (yesterday's letters). Sorry to be so pedantic, but it just didn't look right"– Marisa Cardoni.
"Re: Arsène Wenger experiencing 'every defeat like a death' (yesterday's Quote of the Day). Are you sure it wasn't a mistranslation and he actually said 'little death'? Hang on, that's even weirder …"– Jacob Uzzell (and others).
"Luis Suárez appears in a Uruguayan Bank ad, and before you ask, no, it's not a bit part"– Matt Keen.
• Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Also, if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of *our prizeless letter o' the day prize is:* John Milne.
*JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES*
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
*BITS AND BOBS*
It may be the holidays, but Jack Wilshere is still practicing his philosophy. "We showed how good we can be during the run-in last season – we had our destiny put in front of us," he postulated.
Lionel Messi isn't worried about solving his tax problems. "I'm very relaxed," declared Messi. "I hope it gets solved. I don't understand any of this and that's why we have lawyers."
Last month Napoli owner Aurelio De Laurentiis wanted to buy Leyton Orient. This month he wants to buy Gonzalo Higuaín. "There are various names on our table," says De Laurentiis. "We are assessing them."
Three years after the vote, comedy's Sepp Blatter has spotted an issue with the summer World Cup in Qatar. "You can't play football there in the summer," uncovered Sepp. "You can cool down the stadiums but you can't cool down the whole country. I will bring this up with the executive committee."
Alvaro Negredo is on his way to Manchester City. "Only a few loose ends remain," said Sevilla's president Jose Maria del Nido, rubbing his hands. "If nothing strange happens, we say goodbye this afternoon."
Georgios Samaras can't wait for the Queen's Celtic's Big Cup qualifier tonight on Cliftonville's plastic pitch. "I don't like these pitches. It is not like natural grass. it is much harder. I don't really like it."
And FA chairman Greg Dyke has confirmed that the FA Cup final will continue to be staged at 5.15pm. Good old football. "I'm certainly happy with that," scoffed Dyke. "If you look at the viewing figures for the past two FA Cup finals they were much bigger than they would have been had the match kicked off at 3pm."
*RECOMMENDED VIEWING*
"But he won the ball …". Exotic-named Brazilian ace Smith picks up a 14-match ban for this textbook kung-fu kick in Peru.
*STILL WANT MORE?*
How well do you know your bemulletted footballers? Find out in our quiz.
Is the whole Rooney saga David Moyes's first mistake or a deliberate strategy, muses Paul Wilson.
Roma's £6.9m bid for Gervinho has the Rumour Mill stumped. What exactly is he? Winger? Forward? Competition winner?
And the Knowledge archive special looks back at the world's biggest, emptiest stadiums.
*SIGN UP TO THE FIVER*
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
*HOT HOT HEAT*
Jacob Steinberg
guardian.co.uk © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
Reported by guardian.co.uk 8 hours ago.
*THE GREAT PR WAR OF TW2013 (SUMMER EDITION)*
The Fiver sat looking blankly at its screen for a good three hours this morning, a hot salty tear every so often falling out of its beady eye and rolling down its cheek, as it contemplated how many more times this summer it will have to write 'Wayne Rooney leaving Manchester United' – or possibly 'staying at Manchester United'. Who knows? Not the Fiver, that's for sure, not any other journalists and definitely not Rooney, who is said to be "angry and confused" at his treatment by United, who are about to embark on, horror of horrors, a PR war with Chelsea. There will be many casualties, most notably nerdish qualities such as dignity, integrity and loyalty, but it's all part of the fun of Transfer Window 2013 (summer edition), in which there has so far been plenty of talk from the usual protagonists but not much walk to back up their hot air.
In time, people will speak in hushed tones of the Great PR War of TW2013 (summer edition). But for now, we know the following: a whirlwind 24 hours of conjecture, spin and poppyc0ck has made the first Ashes Test, the Lions' victory, Chris Froome's exploits in the Tour de France and Andy Murray becoming the first British player to win Wimbledon since Jonny Marray last year seem like someone telling you, in ball-crushingly minute detail, about their car's recent MOT service. We know that Rooney is angry and confused with United, we know that United aren't particularly bothered about whether he stays, we know that Chelsea want Rooney, we know that Chelsea had a bid of £10m plus Juan Mata or David Luiz rejected for Rooney yesterday, we know that Chelsea have denied offering any players and we know that we know about as much as a hapless waiter from Barcelona. And now we're all confused.
For a few minutes, tongues were wagging when it transpired that José Mourinho was willing to jettison either Mata or David Luiz, two of Chelsea's best players, in his quest to make Rooney the new Fernando Torres. It made a certain amount of sense. Stories about Mourinho not wanting Mata or David Luiz have been floating around all summer and he has twice spoken in public about his admiration for Rooney, most recently worrying in altruistic style about the England team suffering if he is to be a squad player at United. Finally some sort of resolution was in sight. Only it then turned out that United, the sneaky buggers, had made up the bit about an exchange deal and, according to a nicely stewing Chelsea, the journalists travelling with them in Sydney on their pre-season tour were fed a line. All's fair in love and PR War.
"Chelsea Football Club can confirm that, yesterday, it made a written offer to Manchester United for the transfer of Wayne Rooney," blithered a club statement. "Although the terms of that offer are confidential, for the avoidance of doubt and contrary to what is apparently being briefed to the press in Sydney, the proposed purchase does not include the transfer or loan of any players from Chelsea to Manchester United." Honestly, two minutes in the United job and David Moyes is already gadding about the place like a flame-haired Malcolm Tucker. All this spinning and briefing and whispering and finger-pointing. Like this article, it can't end well.
*QUOTE OF THE DAY*
"There was way too much pressure. It came from everyone – the club, the fans. I think that too much pressure just hurts the team"– Carlos Tevez reveals how Manchester City expected too much for their £200k-a-week.
*FIVER LETTERS*
"You can't apply German grammar to one half of a sentence and English the other. It's either Deutsche und Österreichische Bundesliga or it's German and Austrian Bundesligas (yesterday's Fiver letters). And if you could stop that man on the radio saying Paree St Germon you'd make an old QPR supporter very happy. Momentarily"– John Milne.
"I would like to point out to Christopher Higgins (and to 1,056 others) that the German for plural is Mehrzahl, rather than mehrzahl as all German nouns begin with a capital letter (yesterday's letters). Sorry to be so pedantic, but it just didn't look right"– Marisa Cardoni.
"Re: Arsène Wenger experiencing 'every defeat like a death' (yesterday's Quote of the Day). Are you sure it wasn't a mistranslation and he actually said 'little death'? Hang on, that's even weirder …"– Jacob Uzzell (and others).
"Luis Suárez appears in a Uruguayan Bank ad, and before you ask, no, it's not a bit part"– Matt Keen.
• Send your letters to the.boss@guardian.co.uk. Also, if you've nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today's winner of *our prizeless letter o' the day prize is:* John Milne.
*JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES*
We keep trying to point out the utter futility of advertising an online dating service "for interesting people" in the Fiver to the naive folk who run Guardian Soulmates, but they still aren't having any of it. So here you go – sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly romantics who would never dream of going out with you.
*BITS AND BOBS*
It may be the holidays, but Jack Wilshere is still practicing his philosophy. "We showed how good we can be during the run-in last season – we had our destiny put in front of us," he postulated.
Lionel Messi isn't worried about solving his tax problems. "I'm very relaxed," declared Messi. "I hope it gets solved. I don't understand any of this and that's why we have lawyers."
Last month Napoli owner Aurelio De Laurentiis wanted to buy Leyton Orient. This month he wants to buy Gonzalo Higuaín. "There are various names on our table," says De Laurentiis. "We are assessing them."
Three years after the vote, comedy's Sepp Blatter has spotted an issue with the summer World Cup in Qatar. "You can't play football there in the summer," uncovered Sepp. "You can cool down the stadiums but you can't cool down the whole country. I will bring this up with the executive committee."
Alvaro Negredo is on his way to Manchester City. "Only a few loose ends remain," said Sevilla's president Jose Maria del Nido, rubbing his hands. "If nothing strange happens, we say goodbye this afternoon."
Georgios Samaras can't wait for the Queen's Celtic's Big Cup qualifier tonight on Cliftonville's plastic pitch. "I don't like these pitches. It is not like natural grass. it is much harder. I don't really like it."
And FA chairman Greg Dyke has confirmed that the FA Cup final will continue to be staged at 5.15pm. Good old football. "I'm certainly happy with that," scoffed Dyke. "If you look at the viewing figures for the past two FA Cup finals they were much bigger than they would have been had the match kicked off at 3pm."
*RECOMMENDED VIEWING*
"But he won the ball …". Exotic-named Brazilian ace Smith picks up a 14-match ban for this textbook kung-fu kick in Peru.
*STILL WANT MORE?*
How well do you know your bemulletted footballers? Find out in our quiz.
Is the whole Rooney saga David Moyes's first mistake or a deliberate strategy, muses Paul Wilson.
Roma's £6.9m bid for Gervinho has the Rumour Mill stumped. What exactly is he? Winger? Forward? Competition winner?
And the Knowledge archive special looks back at the world's biggest, emptiest stadiums.
*SIGN UP TO THE FIVER*
Want your very own copy of our free tea-timely(ish) email sent direct to your inbox? Has your regular copy stopped arriving? Click here to sign up.
*HOT HOT HEAT*
Jacob Steinberg
guardian.co.uk © 2013 Guardian News and Media Limited or its affiliated companies. All rights reserved. | Use of this content is subject to our Terms & Conditions | More Feeds
Reported by guardian.co.uk 8 hours ago.